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For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. The light goes on. Temel Çeviriler: İngilizce: Türkçe: digest⇒ vtr transitive verb: Verb taking a direct object--for example, "Say something." Enjoy your hobby — in English The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”, The guy is flabbergasted. A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! Book is in Used-Good condition. Kündigungsfrist bei Reader's Digest Falls nicht vertraglich anders vereinbart, lässt sich das Reader's-Digest-Abo jederzeit zur nächsten Ausgabe kündigen. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”, “I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. So, read in small bites. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast? “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. About this Item: reader's digest services pty ltd sydney, 1982. Try these funny birthday jokes! A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “Want to grab a drink?” he asks the centipede, but there’s no answer from the box. “It’s easy,” replies the ranger. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. “We missed the R! “And what was that?” “It’s just as I thought—you don’t know.” Submitted by Gene Newman. After several readings, I couldn’t find my mistake. It’s three in the morning!” Anonymous, Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes for—they’re all mediums. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. “One thing about Fred,” his buddy says to the bartender. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. Don’t miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. Weeks? I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Reader's Digest Deutschland: Verlag Das Beste GmbH - Vordernbergstraße 6, 70191 Stuttgart A: L’avion rose. But wait till I take him out of the bowl.” Submitted by Nancy Send, An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. You have 30 more years to live.”. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, “I’m sorry I gave you a jolt—it was my fault.” “No, it was mine,” the driver said. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”, He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Readers Digest has been publishing this book for decades, they know their stuff. “He fought with me again! fünf Tage vor Monatsende. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”, After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”, “I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.” – Steven Wright. Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back. A: Get off the carousel. “No problem,” the sales clerk answered. Digital newsstand featuring 7000+ of the world’s most popular newspapers & magazines. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. These breads puns will come in handy the next time you feel like loafing around. Es gibt keine Kündigungsfrist und im Regelfall auch keine Mindestlaufzeit. ... Mein Englisch ist nicht unbedingt der Wahnsinn und hier und da lohnt ein Blick in einen Übersetzer, aber im Großen und Ganzen erschließt sich der Text durch die ausdrucksstarken Bilder von ganz allein. These hilarious dog puns will give you paws. Submitted by Wendy Davis, My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. I started a couple of weeks ago.” “Really?” I said. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”, “Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: “Window’s frozen!” His wife texts back, “Pour lukewarm water over it.” Five minutes later he replies: “Computer completely messed up now.” Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Submitted by Tyler Meason, The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? “That’s Mum’s side.”. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. Abo Formation [New Mexico] Abo-Formation {f} geol. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”, “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” — Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. In fact, my name is Murphy.”, “Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”, “Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. “Here, boy,” he replies. “I can’t stand this. Satisfaction Guaranteed! Submitted by Hoss Alfred. “They’re so noisy,” he complained. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”, “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”. My Uncle G: You’re going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. “Sir! Don’t miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. “That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector. It read, “Mr. Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. Here Are 5 Possible Reasons Why, A Trick For Storing Paint Brushes Overnight. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. Oh look, just put me down for five.” Submitted by Kerrie Pont, The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness: “What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen?” “He did what any honest man would do,” said the witness. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, ‘Okay, here you go!’” Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, “You can come out of the computer now, Grandma!” Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, “Where do you get your mussels?” The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, “Cross-training?” Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: What’s Edith Piaf’s favourite airline? Submitted by Reid Faylor. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? “He doesn’t look at all dangerous to me. He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”. “I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”, Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”, I said, “Me, too! How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. Hier kannst du sie vorschlagen! A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb?” Says the chicken, “Sorry, but that’s the subject of another joke.” Submitted by Gary Johnston. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. Ever wondered how “why did the chicken cross the road” became a thing? “Listen,” the crook says, “you don’t want any trouble, and neither do I. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”, Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. “I have to walk back alone.” Submitted by Harry Klein, A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctor’s office. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! So I gave him all the money I had. !”, The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”, An old man goes to confession. Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”, For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. “Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet?” asks one. “What does the word ‘contemplate’ mean?” the college student asked his English professor. I want to achieve it by not dying.” – Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. Do you believe in God?”, I said, “Me, too! Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. Mediaplanet Pets From Activities to Activism: What Tika the Iggy Wants Dog Owners to Know. He never had a chance!”, The man says, “I don’t know about that. What’s it called? Then they responded, confused, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’re at Tim Hortons.” Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. It delves into the world of people-watching, infidelity, and alcoholism, and how each of these aspec… “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. Start your day with our daily jokes that bring a great laugh. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When it’s pasture bedtime. “Think about it,” the professor answered. There they taught me how to be neutral. Don’t miss these wild tales of the world’s dumbest criminals. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. Don’t miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes. I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!” He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.” Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospital’s emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, “You’ve been bar-coded!” I, being 72, added, “Long past the best-before date.” Submitted by Colin Campbell, “If you understand English, press 1. FREE PDF & INTERACTIVE E-MAGAZINES. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. The Reader’s Digest Home Tech Buying Guide. Why would you post that sign?” “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.” Submitted by L.B. digest ⇒ vi intransitive ... two verb in a clause from reader digest....vexing - English Only forum we can organize some games to make them digest their food - English Only forum which polls-based models are not designed to [digest] - English Only forum. “Honey, what’s for supper?”. “Mr. Need the laughs to come fast? Can I join you?” “Why, am I falling apart?” I replied. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. “They’re full of small bells.”. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”, The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”, First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”, He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”, He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”, The second guy sees this and does the same thing. O. Henry was the pseudonym of the American writer William Sydney Porter (September 11, 1862 – June 5, 1910). “What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked. Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”, He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”, I said, “Me, too! A friend and I were enjoying a coffee in our local haunt when an acquaintance stopped at our table and said, “Hi, Ken. That didn’t suit my husband. BEWARE OF DOG! A: Copies. These clever jokes could make anyone sound smart! “What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!” – Rodney Dangerfield, A skeleton walks into a bar. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, “Yeah, the service stinks!” Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. “Impressive,” says the banker. While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, “DISARM TODAY!” On the other side, it said, “DAT ARM TOMORROW.” Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people don’t usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, “Parking fine.” That was very nice of them! He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. “Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”, A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. Oh yes—the news. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”, They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. The bartender shakes his head. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it? In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. Submitted by D.T. “No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. “Could I have a few words with George?” Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. The Tribune, the largest selling daily in North India, publishes news and views without any bias or prejudice of any kind. 150 Best Reader’s Digest Jokes of All Time Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca Updated: Feb. 10, 2020 Our editors say these classic Reader's Digest jokes make them laugh every single time. To review this information or withdraw your consent please consult the, 12 Magical Drive-Through Christmas Light Displays Across Canada, A COVID-19 Patient's Incredible 77-Day Fight for Survival, This Is What Queen Elizabeth Gives Her Staff for Christmas, Skin Always Itchy? But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time. “What are you doing!” says the husband. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. You’ll discover original profiles of inspiring people, real-life dramas, insightful essays, and news roundups that get you up-to-date fast on the issues you care about. Crocker, you are just fine!”. Get creative with our hilarious knock-knock jokes that everyone can laugh at. Make every day a great day with these funny jokes about life that will make each day a little brighter. Check out our best short jokes! He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. “No, it doesn’t.” “Yes, it does. I’m coming to live with you.” Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. Επισκεφθείτε το Greek φόρουμ. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”, That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. Except at a funeral.” — Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”, The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. I kill their plants and I love mischief. (collection of condensed works) compendiu s.n. Next week is his First Communion.”, “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. Don’t miss these clever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. “There’s just one condition. “Why are you washing it?” my brother asked, perplexed. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Don’t Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. 91. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. Das Geld für bereits bezahlte, aber … These cheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love). I told them: “I understand. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”, “Yeah,” answered the second doctor. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. “Good news,” he said. “No,” he responded. Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. “And for a shave?” “Five dollars.” “All right,” he said, settling into the barber chair. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! Does your workplace tend to be a little tense? “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”, Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. So now I got me a wooden peg.”, “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. Here are some funny jokes to defuse an awkward situation. We recommend our users to update the browser. “This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. VIDEO Secret Lingo from Servers. “Can’t you just tell me?” Submitted by Dana Thayer. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! “A gnome,” comes the reply. “That’s my twin sister. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. She’s been here six months. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”. Those are the umlauts.” Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased father’s things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. Want to turn someone’s frown upside down? Submitted by Sai Gautam, Me: I’m going to go skydiving for my 40th birthday. Short stories, and even simple poems, are perfect. “Yes,” says the waiter. Violators will be extracted.” Submitted by Helen McNair, My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?” “Honest?” replies the lawyer. Give me my scotch!” The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. Daddy! “We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours.”, The priest pauses. “Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”, The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! This is an ex-library book and may have the usual library/used-book markings inside.This book has hardback covers. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, “Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?” Submitted by Bill Warren. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. Me: Yes. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? Writing for the Reader’s Digest, ... von Business Spotlight sowohl an Anfänger als auch an Fortgeschrittene auf dem Weg zum verhandlungssicheren Business-Englisch. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. Then I served my country in Iraq. Now he won’t come when I call him. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. You won’t believe these funny classified ads actually ran! “If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. The apprentice did just as he was told. I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. Pressed for time? It all happened so fast.”. the rosie project a novel by graeme simsion digest and review Oct 15, 2020 Posted By Jeffrey Archer Media Publishing TEXT ID b6136f9d Online PDF Ebook Epub Library amazonca simsion graeme sep 15 2020 the rosie project a novel by graeme simsion digest and review posted by el jameslibrary text id 361fd713 online pdf ebook epub geol. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers.” “Stop!” cries the second cockroach. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! The Gift of the Magi – O. Henry. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Snake 1: I just bit my lip. “Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, “she’s there.” Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, “All my husband and I do any more is fight. “But it was me first day with the hook.”. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while they’re camping? “And how long has it been since your last confession?”, “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”—Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. “What else do you want?” “I’d love to have a red Porsche,” he says. That evening, he decides to go out. If you liked that joke, you’ll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”, “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.”, The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. A blind man visits Texas. Tomac. “Amazing!” the man says. Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. VIDEO How to Turn Tea Bags Into Miracle Cures. Four-year-old boy I babysit: *suspicious* Me: *Lays out books* Four-year-old: Well, this is disappointing. Are they afraid someone will clean them?” – George Carlin. “How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”. Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Then she called, “Here, kitty…” Submitted by Khalid Khan. Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.” — Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. Submitted by Tim Vine, Q: What do you call twin police officers? “What other woman?” Adam shot back. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. Discover what's missing in your discography and shop for Das Beste Aus Reader's Digest releases. Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comedians—and their best jokes! “You keep out of this!” she yells. VIDEO Ghostly Orbs at Tullynally Castle, County Westmeath, Ireland. God says, “No. Don’t miss this roundup of the funniest one-liners on the Internet. I don’t need it, but I’ll tell you who does… — Jen Statsky, writer. He’s done it again!”, “When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

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